God-Sized Hole – Preamble

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This is the first half of a thing I wrote all at once, “God Sized-Hole”. I divided them up because my writing started to have a point about halfway through the piece. But I thought I’d share this too, in case anyone was curious about how I ended up writing about the topic of this God-sized hole in my heart.

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How do I feel?
I’m tired and bored.

What great idea did I have tonight?
Know what might be fun? Message that girl on Facebook, the one whom you haven’t spoken to for years and stopped speaking to due to embarrassing circumstances. Continue reading

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God-Sized Hole

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There’s a girl who isn’t who I want her to be, and yet I keep hoping. I don’t know. It’s probably more complicated than that. Possibly something I can’t untangle at 1am.

Maybe it would help if I laid everything out plainly. Maybe I’d see connections then. Continue reading

To love her because I like her is not to love at all?

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There’s this girl I know and I really like her. Do I love her? I try to. But I can’t love her without her accepting my love, any more than I can walk through a door that’s not open. But I do what I can. I love as much of her as she trusts me with. I’m working on following her lead with that. I can’t make her accept my love; I can only offer it.
Continue reading

Hugs & One-Sided Conversations

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My best friend told me today that I’m terrible at hugs. I replied: “I receive it; what can I do better?”.

I’m bad at hugs because I’m not aware enough of the other person involved in the hug. I don’t pay attention to how my hug-partner reacts to my hug-style, from introduction to body to conclusion, and I don’t take the time to appreciate and enjoy their unique and highly-personal huggage either. Hugging was, to me, a simple transaction: Continue reading

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Why should I fantasize about kissing a woman who doesn’t want to kiss me? Because if it’s only in my imagination that she would want to kiss me, yet I go ahead and indulge in that fantasy, then in that moment it’s not really her that I’m after. And if it’s not her true, unbridled self that I show up to appreciate in the relationship I share with her, then I’ll cause a lot of pain for the both of us. I want what’s good for her and I want what’s good for me. So I won’t indulge in the things I’m able to imagine. I’ll take pleasure in how things really are, because that’s how they really are. Whatever I’m given on a certain day, it’s enough blessing to be joyful about. The sun sets and the sun rises, but whatever the weather, every day is a day closer to Christ, both in journey and in proximity to the destination.

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She likes to tickle the edges, to paw at the boundaries. She says she wants nothing more than to be friends, but she also seems to enjoy stepping in too deep once in a while, too far for friends to go.

She says that a relationship is not for her, not the kind of thing she enjoys. 8ut she plays as if she’s there. I wonder if it’s fair… For her to act as she does. (Perhaps) She wants to be wanted but… She’s not sure if she wants to put in the effort? To make another person feel wanted too?

I know nothing for sure. I care for her but I’m not into her the same way I was before. I can’t find much to be interested in now. Maybe things are hiding; I can’t tell. All I know is that I don’t see anything I like so far.

Maybe she’s hiding… I can’t tell. All I know is that… If there’s a mountain in between us, I don’t want to 8e the only one digging a tunnel through it. The tunnel’s gotta be carved from both sides. Otherwise, no matter how close I get, I don’t know if I’ll be able to break through.