This is the first half of a thing I wrote all at once, “God Sized-Hole”. I divided them up because my writing started to have a point about halfway through the piece. But I thought I’d share this too, in case anyone was curious about how I ended up writing about the topic of this God-sized hole in my heart.
How do I feel?
I’m tired and bored.
What great idea did I have tonight?
Know what might be fun? Message that girl on Facebook, the one whom you haven’t spoken to for years and stopped speaking to due to embarrassing circumstances.Continue reading
There’s this girl I know and I really like her. Do I love her? I try to. But I can’t love her without her accepting my love, any more than I can walk through a door that’s not open. But I do what I can. I love as much of her as she trusts me with. I’m working on following her lead with that. I can’t make her accept my love; I can only offer it. Continue reading
God, paint a part of my world in her particular colour.
Help me value her scent and her flavour.
Don’t let me grow numb to the touch of her soul.
And her voice to me be unlike that of puppet. O God. Thanks.
Why should I fantasize about kissing a woman who doesn’t want to kiss me? Because if it’s only in my imagination that she would want to kiss me, yet I go ahead and indulge in that fantasy, then in that moment it’s not really her that I’m after. And if it’s not her true, unbridled self that I show up to appreciate in the relationship I share with her, then I’ll cause a lot of pain for the both of us. I want what’s good for her and I want what’s good for me. So I won’t indulge in the things I’m able to imagine. I’ll take pleasure in how things really are, because that’s how they really are. Whatever I’m given on a certain day, it’s enough blessing to be joyful about. The sun sets and the sun rises, but whatever the weather, every day is a day closer to Christ, both in journey and in proximity to the destination.
I don’t think I pray enough. Perhaps that means I don’t trust God the way He wants me to. Perhaps that means He’s not in a place in my heart and mind at which He’s the first number I call. And perhaps I’m selling myself short on the relationship I could have with God by living like this.Continue reading