I feel that it may be my responsibility to document my journey. I ventured off the trail today. It had rained the night prior. By morning’s first light, it was still overcast and the sky was determined to stay that way. Swirls of cloud in the wind up above me but no sign of reprieve from the white fog that lay there, just a couple dozen yards upwards of the ground. I ventured off the path.
I’m on a pretty long streak but I haven’t been counting. Some days, porn and/or masturbation don’t come to mind at all. I think counting the days that I’m off them might just serve to remind me of them. So far, I haven’t been counting and I’ve been doing alright.
I thought of rambling a bit about the subject before moving along buuut…. Nah. I think it might be unwise to. At least, not in the environment I’m currently situated (alone in my bedroom, in front of my computer at home, with most of my family members asleep or preparing to).
It might be useful to analyze the oddities that I’ve got going on (Psychologically; I don’t seem to be typical, according to what I hear.) but if dwelling on the topic makes it hard for me to avoid relapsing… then I think it would do more harm than good.
Welp. Time to do at least one productive thing today, to make me feel as if I haven’t wasted the day.
Odd. I work: I have a job and I seem to be going places with it (thank you, God) but I don’t feel accomplished unless I’ve… I guess, unless I’ve really pushed myself, learned something new, overcome a challenge I know hangs over me. Work is easy. My job is pretty easy (although I know I need to push myself to excel). I guess I like the hard things more, the things that affect me more.
The heart is a strange thing. Why don’t I feel the same conviction towards excelling in my job as I do towards pushing myself to learn to code or a musical instrument?
Ugh. Why do I have to think so hard? Bottom Line: I want to learn code to create things. I want to learn to make music to create things.
Why do you need to compare things, brah? You’re job is good as it is. You’re doing well as you are.
Granted, learning to code or learning another instrument would be qualitative and trying harder at work would be quantitative. More opportunities open up with quantitative growth than with qualitative growth, so I think it makes sense that I’d want to learn something new rather than more of the same.
God. Thank you for this brain that easily finds connections between seemingly distant subjects. I’d like some wisdom in holistically crafting what I write, though, to complement what you’ve already given me. AKA, help me avoid rambling.
My 8iggest challenge yet: money, and a lot of time alone. I don’t want to go into the details of what’s 8een going on with me lately. That’s how you know some weird shit has 8een going on. (According to some opinions, though, it’s not weird at all.)
I’ll just say this: Warm hand towel, latex glove, ru88er 8ands, 8ody lotion.
My life has really got to change. Just the way I do everything makes it challenging for me to avoid certain 8ehaviors. Fapping. My life makes it hard to avoid fapping. I sit around all day at home, no one else 8ut me in my lonesomeness. (It’s even got my mind hazy.)
A lil’ M yesterday so the counter is today at 1. Not much to say, no dramatic revelations. Other than this: the selflessness and confidence that I found was good, 8ut the thing that I 8uilt it upon was unsta8le. I’m looking to 8uild it on something more solid this time, namely, God’s promises to me.
Still not back on track.
The she more she gives me, the more I crave. Sure, I deserve her thanks. 8ut it’s too sweet not to live for. I earned her gratitude by caring, even if it meant that I sometimes looked like a fool or a foe. It’s easier to be selfless when you don’t know what you might receive. 8ut being selfish is counter-intuitive, I guess. Even if I want what she has to offer, I’m not getting it unless I’m genuine in my generosity towards her. Much harder to play a game, thinking backwards to move forwards, though. I need to keep putting selfishness aside, so I can think and move in the same direction.
An opportunity has arisen; opportunity for new avenues of pleasure. 8ut I need to get just a few more questions done on my assignment, so I got 8ack to work. And now, I don’t feel so much of an inclination to pursue that new pleasure. I should take advantage of this lull in my li8ido. I should go to sleep.
I had a great thought, sitting on the toilet 8efore taking a shower today. May8e if I hadn’t fapped in the shower, I’d still remem8er. Not much to say today. One revealing thing mentioned 8y a friend, though.
Me: It seems hard to find a godly woman, so I guess I’ve got to treasure this opportunity.
Her: I think that’s what women think too – that it’s hard to find a godly man, haha.