I’ve been hiding a few things

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I think it’s time I wrote about certain eras of my past here on the internet. It’s a good time for a few reasons. Reason number one, I don’t have anything else I want to write about. That may mean it’s somehow my calling to write about this. But mostly, I’m just a little embarrassed that I’ve been slacking off with my posts here on my blog, which I said I’d be taking more seriously now.

And second… Idno. The topic is just calling out to me somehow. I describe myself as a person who is open about their fears, failures, embarrassments and all. But it seems there are things in my past that I just haven’t discussed and don’t actively bring up in conversation.

I think that this is the case because I just don’t know how I feel about that particular part of my past. I don’t know what to think of it. All I remember are the things that happened and how I felt while they were happening. But I don’t have much of an opinion on those times in my life, looking back at them now.

And I guess it bothers me that I don’t have an opinion on them. It makes me feel as though… I’ve left those feelings unchecked. It’s as if I’ve been avoiding thinking about those times. Maybe there’s pain there that I’ve chosen to ignore, but I don’t think I should run from those situations if I’ve been hurt. I don’t think I should turn a blind eye to the past, just ‘cuz it’s ugly.

If ever I was hurt in those times of my life, I think I’m still hurting just the same if I run. Then things aren’t settled. Then, there’s still a part of me that has to mind the… unminding of the things I want to ignore.
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Warmer World

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What’s odd is that I seem to be up in my mind so much, living in a world of words, that it seems like another world entirely when I can connect my surroundings with memories of the people I’ve been there with.

I can tell this is going to be challenging to explain. I’ll be specific. On the way to my psych appointments Continue reading

Aside

An old box monitor on a flat cardboard box with one side crushed so as to tilt the screen up to me face, sitting on the ground where the monitor and computer also was, next to a window that reached down to a foot and a bit off the floor, the moon shining down on me while I played around on photoshop, cleaning up scans of japanese comics, broken earphone leading to my right ear, which is now deafer than my left. This song playing.

The First Thing I Remember

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A lot of people say that it’s good to draw from emotion when writing. (And I guess that should be pretty obvious.) But I find that there are a lot of things I actually don’t want to talk about. I think it’s because of that emotion that I don’t want to talk about them. They’re either things I’m ashamed of, things I was afraid of, or things I can’t explain. Not all of them make me sad or lonely. A few of these things actually make me angry.

If it’ll make my writing better, maybe more genuine, then I might as well try it. Might be interesting as well. It’s not like the internet knows where I live, lol. (Unless it does @____@)

Might as well make this a series. “Things I Don’t Like to Think or Talk About for Whatever Reasons” shall be the name. I sure do like labeling things. So it begins. (Edit: Sorry, I realized a couple things while writing through this. I think I’ll write that aforementioned series later. For now, I’m on a quest to write down everything I remember. Then, I’m going to analyze it all. Haha, it may be a bad idea.)

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