God-Sized Hole – Preamble

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This is the first half of a thing I wrote all at once, “God Sized-Hole”. I divided them up because my writing started to have a point about halfway through the piece. But I thought I’d share this too, in case anyone was curious about how I ended up writing about the topic of this God-sized hole in my heart.

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How do I feel?
I’m tired and bored.

What great idea did I have tonight?
Know what might be fun? Message that girl on Facebook, the one whom you haven’t spoken to for years and stopped speaking to due to embarrassing circumstances. Continue reading

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God-Sized Hole

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There’s a girl who isn’t who I want her to be, and yet I keep hoping. I don’t know. It’s probably more complicated than that. Possibly something I can’t untangle at 1am.

Maybe it would help if I laid everything out plainly. Maybe I’d see connections then. Continue reading

To love her because I like her is not to love at all?

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There’s this girl I know and I really like her. Do I love her? I try to. But I can’t love her without her accepting my love, any more than I can walk through a door that’s not open. But I do what I can. I love as much of her as she trusts me with. I’m working on following her lead with that. I can’t make her accept my love; I can only offer it.
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Real Pressure

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Do you ever lie awake in the morning with the feeling that it’s not just any morning? The light of twilight through your window bathes your room in a soft glow, and for some reason, you just know that today is the beginning of something new.

There’s an element of rush, an element of distance. Something in you already knows that you’re about to leave all that you see behind, even if only for a season.

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Hugs & One-Sided Conversations

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My best friend told me today that I’m terrible at hugs. I replied: “I receive it; what can I do better?”.

I’m bad at hugs because I’m not aware enough of the other person involved in the hug. I don’t pay attention to how my hug-partner reacts to my hug-style, from introduction to body to conclusion, and I don’t take the time to appreciate and enjoy their unique and highly-personal huggage either. Hugging was, to me, a simple transaction: Continue reading

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Why should I fantasize about kissing a woman who doesn’t want to kiss me? Because if it’s only in my imagination that she would want to kiss me, yet I go ahead and indulge in that fantasy, then in that moment it’s not really her that I’m after. And if it’s not her true, unbridled self that I show up to appreciate in the relationship I share with her, then I’ll cause a lot of pain for the both of us. I want what’s good for her and I want what’s good for me. So I won’t indulge in the things I’m able to imagine. I’ll take pleasure in how things really are, because that’s how they really are. Whatever I’m given on a certain day, it’s enough blessing to be joyful about. The sun sets and the sun rises, but whatever the weather, every day is a day closer to Christ, both in journey and in proximity to the destination.

The Daily #14 – I’m hurt but I’m not running from it

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I just played a pretty horrible round of League of Legends. ‘Tis an old story: toxic players on your team and a horrible match-up in your lane. Now, it’s pretty natural for me to try to make myself feel better by pointing out how much the people telling me to fuck myself also sucked, but I don’t think that’s God’s prescription for it. Indeed, I think moments like these in life are crucial to testing my endurance and trust in God, because moments like these naturally draw me away from Him. Continue reading