I let my moods dictate my outlook on life way too much. So as life naturally ebbs and flows, I end up swinging back and forth between extremes. Now… I don’t think it’s exactly wrong to be extremely happy at times, but I do see it as very unhealthy that I’ve been so depressed lately when I’ve also been very happy. One day, I’m happy; the next I’m sad. That’s bad, something’s wrong.
I think it’s time I wrote about certain eras of my past here on the internet. It’s a good time for a few reasons. Reason number one, I don’t have anything else I want to write about. That may mean it’s somehow my calling to write about this. But mostly, I’m just a little embarrassed that I’ve been slacking off with my posts here on my blog, which I said I’d be taking more seriously now.
And second… Idno. The topic is just calling out to me somehow. I describe myself as a person who is open about their fears, failures, embarrassments and all. But it seems there are things in my past that I just haven’t discussed and don’t actively bring up in conversation.
I think that this is the case because I just don’t know how I feel about that particular part of my past. I don’t know what to think of it. All I remember are the things that happened and how I felt while they were happening. But I don’t have much of an opinion on those times in my life, looking back at them now.
And I guess it bothers me that I don’t have an opinion on them. It makes me feel as though… I’ve left those feelings unchecked. It’s as if I’ve been avoiding thinking about those times. Maybe there’s pain there that I’ve chosen to ignore, but I don’t think I should run from those situations if I’ve been hurt. I don’t think I should turn a blind eye to the past, just ‘cuz it’s ugly.
If ever I was hurt in those times of my life, I think I’m still hurting just the same if I run. Then things aren’t settled. Then, there’s still a part of me that has to mind the… unminding of the things I want to ignore.
I’m under more pressure (from myself) to get a fulfilling(?) job because I don’t have anything else to do with my life for the next year. One whole year. I mean… I could call this last year both fast and slow.
Actually, no. It was just slow. But not in a bad way. It was slow as in… Deliberate, over-flowing with lessons to learn, skills to acquiesce. And I guess I’m afraid of wasting this next year of my life. I’m looking for a challenge. Maybe that’s all I should ask for and seek: A challenge.
At the moment, I’m looking for work as a barista at a legitimate cafe (not Starbucks). Coffee: global industry meets local community, great platform from which to support change at every level. And I like working with my hands and connecting with people.
But the cafe scene in Calgary, Alberta, Canada is a bit of an insider’s club kind of thing. Granted I do have foots stuffed into a few doors, there’s still a lot to worry about (from my perspective).
Now is the time to find work as a barista. University-age people will be leaving work or cutting their hours to go back to school. (Now that I think of it… Wouldn’t a lot of baristas be a little older than that at more respectable cafes?) Honestly, I see this as the only chance I have. And I think it’s very unhealthy for me to see it this way.
Matthew 8 and 9
Jesus wants you to trust Him 8ecause He’s worthy of that trust. He’s capa8le and He wants you to 8elieve it for your own good.
8ut why does He seem to punish un8elief?
Trust is 8orn from faith, which is concieved 8y fear. 8ut faith has to 8e there 8efore the trust arrives. He wants you to trust Him, in order that you give Him space to work. If you don’t trust Him, you’ll try to manage on your own, and that can lead to sin. He doesn’t want you to suffer from sin. Therefore, trust Him and wait for Him. That might 8e the essence of faith.
‘I waited for you 8ecause I knew you’d arrive.’ This might 8e faith.
Sometimes, we’re not capable of solving our own problems. Sometimes, we can only numb ourselves temporarily to the effects of our problems, and it takes more to achieve the same relief each time.
Fear comes from impending danger, so fear is necessary. When we run from fear, we run from danger. But when we can’t run from that fear, not really, I believe that fear actually becomes a positive thing because, along with the danger we face, it sets the stage for what many might call a “leap of faith”.