I let my moods dictate my outlook on life way too much. So as life naturally ebbs and flows, I end up swinging back and forth between extremes. Now… I don’t think it’s exactly wrong to be extremely happy at times, but I do see it as very unhealthy that I’ve been so depressed lately when I’ve also been very happy. One day, I’m happy; the next I’m sad. That’s bad, something’s wrong.
I’ve been hibernating. Both my problems and my aspirations have lately been absent from my life. For a few months, I didn’t think of the future. I loved and was loved in my everyday life but moving forward was gone from my mind. I wasn’t bothered by this; in fact, it’s because I largely ignored my future– and my past –that I was able to be so blissful.
But I’m not dead yet, which means I’m not perfect yet and I have a mission. Part of that mission is to confront the issues of my flesh, the corruption hiding the image of God inside of me.
This is probably too precious not to write down to remember: I’m getting a part of myself back.
I remember being much more emotional than I’ve been lately. Even though passion itself never drove me to success, I… I still look back at even the pain through a nostalgic haze. Even the moments in my life that sucked, I see as beautiful. Because I felt so intensely and that had become rare for me.
The weirdest thing just happened to me. 8ut what did I expect, really? I decided to speak her language instead of English like we usually do, to avoid any misunderstandings; ’twas a conversation that I only wanted to have once. Serious stuff. 8ut since I don’t usually speak anything 8ut English, the seriousness got turned way 8ack. So something that could’ve 8een tense and anxiety-ridden ended up a fun exercise.
Odd, odd, odd. Super odd.
The pro8lems that I’ve always had have 8een amplified 8y the fact that I’m madly attracted to a certain person. The solutions are still the same, 8ut it’s so much more important to stick to them now. Used to 8e, when I ran out of things to do, I’d sleep all day and waste my night. 8ut now, when I run out of things to do, I turn to her in desperation. She, of course, doesn’t appreciate this and her opinion of me worsens, which doesn’t please me to say the least. And it goes round and round.
Amplification, yo. I guess the least I could do is to keep it to myself when I’m down like this.
I thought the struggle was over. I feel exactly like I did 8efore. 8ut now I understand what to do. Or at least, I understand what I a8solutely can’t do in situations like this. I can’t ask her for help. It really has nothing to do with her. I can’t treat her like I did in the past when I felt like this. Love is not a8out me. And if I can’t get my mind off myself when I feel this way, I think I should keep my distance from her. It’s for the 8est. 8ut really, the 8etter solution would 8e to find something to do.
Sometimes, we’re not capable of solving our own problems. Sometimes, we can only numb ourselves temporarily to the effects of our problems, and it takes more to achieve the same relief each time.
Fear comes from impending danger, so fear is necessary. When we run from fear, we run from danger. But when we can’t run from that fear, not really, I believe that fear actually becomes a positive thing because, along with the danger we face, it sets the stage for what many might call a “leap of faith”.