This is the first half of a thing I wrote all at once, “God Sized-Hole”. I divided them up because my writing started to have a point about halfway through the piece. But I thought I’d share this too, in case anyone was curious about how I ended up writing about the topic of this God-sized hole in my heart.
How do I feel?
I’m tired and bored.
What great idea did I have tonight?
Know what might be fun? Message that girl on Facebook, the one whom you haven’t spoken to for years and stopped speaking to due to embarrassing circumstances.
I assume that I subconsciously hope for some kind of romantic fantasy to unfold when I start speaking to her randomly, out of the blue, through Facebook at that. I don’t even speak to any of the friends I had when I still had a healthy relationship with her.
Maybe it’s pitiful or ridiculous that a college-aged person like myself would be so fixated on the idea of reconnecting with an old friend with whom was shared many pleasant memories. Oh wait, I forgot to mention why that would be sad. It would be sad because it all happened back in middle school.
There was a girl and we were interested in the same things. We connected over those things. And then she began to develop romantic interests towards my friends and I became to her a confidante and adviser of sorts.
But then I became interested in her, started to become jealous of the boys she flirted with, and started to believe the lie that a good friend deserves a woman’s romantic affection. (It just doesn’t work that way. The door to romance opens and shuts according to mechanisms found separate from those of loyalty and kindness. To be genuinely caring is important to every relationship, but to be found attractive is a separate thing entirely.)
Anyway, I became clingy and stalker-y. Really stalker-y. To be frank, I walked her to school with her permission. For a week or two. It’s funny how memorable a short week can be.
I’m pretty sure that’s what got the friendship rolling downhill: I acted like a creep and did things I wasn’t invited to do. As far as I remember, we just gradually stopped talking after that. I’m not entirely sure.
1am. I say that my idea to contact this old friend again is due to ridiculous, subconscious romantic fantasies because I’ve been demonstrating conscious romantic fantasies lately.
To be continued… Right Here.