There’s this girl I know and I really like her. Do I love her? I try to. But I can’t love her without her accepting my love, any more than I can walk through a door that’s not open. But I do what I can. I love as much of her as she trusts me with. I’m working on following her lead with that. I can’t make her accept my love; I can only offer it.
I decided something on my way from work. Now I’m on my way home and I’ve forgotten it. It went something like, “Idno what’s up with boy-girl relationships so I shouldn’t even think to involve her in my learning experience.” “Don’t make her your guinea pig;” those were my exact words. But when I think of it that way, it makes it seem so complicated when it’s not. Is she good for me? Am I good for her? Are we both willing to commit to each other? Those are the only questions that matter.
I’ve known her for such little time, though. I know I don’t really know her. I’m attracted to her but I don’t think I’m emotionally invested in her well-being for her sake just yet. Right now, I love her because I like her, not because I fit into her life and God sent me to do good. Right now, I’m tempted to line up the puzzle pieces of our personalities, make a fist, and pound it on the table, trying to force the pieces to fit. But that makes neither of our pictures more whole.
It’s not all that complex, but it is difficult because it moves so slowly and she could say no. I want it to be complex so that I won’t know the answer to whether or not we’re good for each other. ‘Cuz if I don’t know the answer, there’s still hope that I could figure it out any day now and I won’t be clueless anymore and I’ll feel more in control. But whether or not we’re good for each other is not a complex question that has already been answered; it’s a simple question that’s answered little by little every day, or every other day, or every other week depending on how often we’re given the opportunity to test each other out.
Here I am, lying in bed, thinking a lot about things, and writing a little. Sometimes, I’m tempted to feel guilty about being so different, compared to the other people I know. Because of course I’m different. What else could I be?
This girl challenged me to stop thinking of myself that way. I really don’t care anymore that I’m different in my own ways. I don’t really know why I used to assume I did things wrong, that I obsessed over things unecessarily. She just told me I was okay, that I made sense. I don’t know what effect it’s had on my life. It hasn’t been that long since we had that conversation. But now I feel very much less apologetic about myself, and I can only imagine that’ll be good for me in the long-run.
I’m not apologetic anymore. Sometimes, I feel that makes me boring cuz I’m no longer emotional about every other darn thing I do. But I’m okay with that. I’m happy about that. I’d trade drama for peace any day. Life’s good. Thank God.
Now at the end of the day, feeling not much closer to her than I was at the start.
The mistake I made today was that I forgot to stay centered on God. I guess one thing the little, minute-by-minute prayers did was that they reminded me I have God on my side. Or, at least, that my happiness was a part of His plans (although it won’t often look the way I expect or imagine it to look.)
This mistake cost me my peace, and I started to worry. I started to worry that all I did was bother her, that I was forcing things, that I was just a bother. But now that I’ve said a few prayers, I’m not worried anymore. It’s definitely still possible, plausible even, that my personality bothers her. But that wouldn’t bother me that much. It happens, people don’t always like each other. No big deal.
Perhaps this was the state of mind I was in this morning, when I told myself I’d be perfectly happy having her as a good friend one day.
The fact of the matter is… I just don’t think she likes me as much as I like her. She isn’t opening up to me at the pace I’m willing to open up to her. I’m not bothered by that and obviously, there’s nothing wrong with that. But I have to react to it accordingly. I think that means toning it down, being gracious and sensitive to the amount of interaction with me that she’d appreciate. Letting her lead, basically; walking at her pace. Shifting my aspirations about how I’d like to relate to her in the future.
The transformation that would be the most important, though, is that I have to start loving her for her sake, not mine. I need to treat her with the same love I’d give anyone else. I need to respond to her needs, not my desire to give and be a part of her life. I think this is the only loving way.
I still pray that we fit together, because I’ve already found her to be quite exceptional. She fills a need in me, but do I fill a need in her? Will there be enough between us for it to make sense to progress past being friends? Only time will tell.
God, I pray I won’t be so selfish anymore. I pray I experience, with her, the joy of giving- Of really giving, not the kind of giving that expects something in return. Yeah, God, that’s what I pray for. I wanna give for the sake of giving. For the sake of making this woman more beautiful, for you to move in her life.
And me? I don’t even know what I want or need, other than God. God will take care of me. God never said, ‘Thou shalt find yourself a girl who’ll take care of you.’ No, He said, ‘Love me with everything, take care of others.’ So I believe that in the midst of the loving that I’m responsible for, I’ll be taken care of. Love will come either straight from God or through the people who have chosen to follow His command to love others.
I love that. I love that I’m not responsible for finding love to receive, cuz it’s not something I can exactly control. In fact, by trying to control it, I wouldn’t have any chance of receiving it. So it calms me down that it’s not a part of my job description. A joy that I do have some control over, though, is the joy of giving for the sake of giving. And I am excited to enjoy the heck out of that.
Note: Reposted from last July, because it’s impressive how wise I was 6 months ago. I mean, I said all of these things back then but my actual behavior only seems to be catching up now, haha.