I let my moods dictate my outlook on life way too much. So as life naturally ebbs and flows, I end up swinging back and forth between extremes. Now… I don’t think it’s exactly wrong to be extremely happy at times, but I do see it as very unhealthy that I’ve been so depressed lately when I’ve also been very happy. One day, I’m happy; the next I’m sad. That’s bad, something’s wrong.
I think I know what I’m doing wrong. Instead of fighting off my bad moods (with the truth, of course), I… tend to justify my bad moods. Because I don’t just treat them as a person should treat a mood, by largely ignoring it as something ephemeral, inconsequential. Rather, I take my moods to mean that GOD HAS DONE SOMETHING WRONG AND HE NEEDS TO FIX IT RIGHT THE-F**K NOW. Which is, of course, untrue because He loves me enough to die for me and through my discomfort, I’m learning a ton about His love, myself, and what I have to look forward to.
I’m uncomfortable because I worship idols. For those who don’t know, idols are good things gone wrong; aspects of life that we were meant to enjoy but were never meant to make our gods. They are things we were meant to rule, not the other way around; things like sex, romance, community, security, wealth, and power.
Plot twist: these things rule us. They reign over us. We kneel at their feet, begging for satisfaction. But these things can’t give us satisfaction because they were never meant to.
I’m uncomfortable because I look for satisfaction in the wrong things. I’m uncomfortable because I asked God to destroy these things, because I knew they’d fail me eventually. I’m uncomfortable because I didn’t expect it to be this hard to let go of my idols. I thought I was stronger than this but I’m not.
I’m not sure what my life will look like from now on. I mean, from the outside looking in, it will probably be more or less the same. But why will I then be doing what I do? What will I be living for? I think that’s what will change.
It might seem crazy that I would still follow a God who, it would seem, would let my happiness fall through the cracks and float away. But God already out-crazied me two thousand years ago. I imagine it went something like this:
Satan: “Are you sure you wanna die for him? You know what crucifixion is, don’tcha? Held up by nails pierced through bundles of nerves, coarse wood scratching at the exposed flesh of your back as your body forces you to tear at those nails in your hands and push on the nails in your feet, unable to stop, unable to give up until you’re actually paralyzed and are physically unable to breathe anymore?”
Jesus: “Yeah, cuz I love him.”
That’s crazy. Trusting a guy who loves me this much and knows me inside and out because He made me? That’s not crazy at all. It’s just tough sometimes. It takes perspective, and honesty, but discipline: enough discipline to bring it all back into perspective when I honestly don’t get it. But I think I’ve found one of Blue’s clues. It goes like this:
25 For whoever is bent on saving his [temporal] life [his comfort and security here] shall lose it [eternal life]; and whoever loses his life [his comfort and security here] for My sake shall find it [life everlasting].
26 For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his life [his blessed [a]life in the kingdom of God]? Or what would a man give as an exchange for his [blessed] [b]life [in the kingdom of God]?
(Matt. 16:25-26 AMPC)
Just one question left: What in the world is the Kingdom of God?