The Daily #14 – I’m hurt but I’m not running from it

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I just played a pretty horrible round of League of Legends. ‘Tis an old story: toxic players on your team and a horrible match-up in your lane. Now, it’s pretty natural for me to try to make myself feel better by pointing out how much the people telling me to fuck myself also sucked, but I don’t think that’s God’s prescription for it. Indeed, I think moments like these in life are crucial to testing my endurance and trust in God, because moments like these naturally draw me away from Him.

It’s so easy for me to try to avenge my wounded feelings by elevating my opinion of myself. I try to win arguments in my head but even when I do, it doesn’t help much. So what if those kids were wrong? They still said what they said and it still bothered me. A lot.

I’m a sensitive guy, mmmkaaaay?

Aside from all that being an inefficient way to cope, I also got terrible vibes from the way that it isolated me spirit-wise. Avenging myself in my thoughts wasn’t something I would pray to God about. It doesn’t make sense for me to ask Him to show me how right I was and how wrong my assailants were, especially when the matters I was trying resolve were petty things like, “Geez, I was against effin’ Mordekaiser, and I got exactly zero ganks from that massive flamer.” When my thought process devolves into words like that, it should be obvious to me that I’m just trying to find reasons why people should feel as bad as I do. No one gets better, no one’s loved, and that’s not what humanity’s here to do.

Pettiness is often, if not always, unloving. And unloving stuff is unhealing too. And Idno, man. I’m just tired of fighting desperately for my sense of peace, sense of worth, happiness, and all. So I won’t! Haha. I give up, I feel terrible because of what those players said. Reasonable or not, their comments bothered me.

And it feels so good to admit that. I feel much better now, much better than I imagined I would have before the night was over. I prayed, I told some friends about how I felt (even though most of them were asleep by then), and listened to some bossa nova.

Damn. Thank God, really. I don’t know how most people would’ve told me to deal with it, but I imagine not many people would tell me to just own my sensitivity and my pain and just sit it out with friends and with God. I really can’t explain or expand on my thoughts any more than this. Maybe it’s cuz it’s past my bed time or maybe it’s because there’s not much to explain. Why not both?

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