I wonder what it is that attracts me to sadness, to painful memories of disappointing and embarrassing times. I wonder how I came to fetishize loneliness, alone-ness, having to do learn certain things for myself when I should’ve been taught by others, having to nurture parts of myself that should’ve been nurture by others.
Disappointment gives me such a hit. For some reason, it makes me feel so right to think of all the ways people have been wrong to me, in my life, in such… affecting ways.
But how it feels isn’t the most important thing. Rather, I care more about the effects of indulging in that feeling.
I know it can be a trap. It could drive me to hopelessness and paralysis. But it’s also a warning of the inevitable. People are imperfect; they’re sure to disappoint. But only if what we expect of them doesn’tatch reality. And the reality is that people make mistakes; they all do.
Everyone ‘disappoints’ the people around them, in a sense. That is, they fail to do what they claimed responsibility for. You’ve failed other people and other people have failed you. But that doesn’t need to make either you or them unhappy.
Of course, it’s possibly a lot easier said than done, especially for relatively lucky people like me. It also requires belief in something bigger than both you and those who disappoint you. Granted you believe in something like that, I think it’s totally doable to forgive people and not let their mistakes make you feel like it’s the end of the world, even though they promised and you trusted them and you did your part and never failed them.
I think the key to living through disappointment is to expect it. Live your life expecting to forgive people and it won’t come as a shock when you find out the people you trust aren’t perfect.
Personally, I’m scared of missing out on amazing people, scared away, shocked when I inevitably realize that they’re not perfect. I’d like to say that every one of the people I’ve decided to stop seeing are people I expected too much from, but unfortunately, it wasn’t always my fault. If it was, I could fix things.
It’s a great thing to practice in deep relationships, though. Like those one has with close family members and very close friends; I imagine it would be so between couples as well but I have no first-hand experience with that.
Thank God my mind wandered into the topic. This is definitely a lesson I constantly need to be reminded of.