It’s been a while since I last wrote a so-called ‘daily’ post and I’m starting to feel like going to bed now, but for whatever reason, I have the will to write one of these out.
I like to think deeply about the things that I do before I do them. I like to ask myself why I want to do the things I want to do, and when I don’t ask, I can’t keep up the work for long. Eventually, the question catches up to me and starts to slow down my progress, sapping my willpower like frost creeping up a window.
Did that simile make sense? Maybe not, but that’s how it feels. I easily grow cold. It’s my default state. Things like jealousy and anger heat me up. But anxiety shuts me off, and I worry most when I don’t feel as though what I do makes a difference that I believe in and can wrap my head around.
This can be a negative thing. But I also think it’s a positive thing (although of course I would, I’m the one trying to avoid something with it). I think that the reasoning behind the worry is sound. It constantly pushes me to rethink my actions, always asking if the process I use is the most effective way to accomplish the purpose of my work.
The purpose and the process are obviously, inextricably intertwined. So I don’t think this feeling is unhelpful and should be done away with. Rather, I think it’s one of my strengths to always be rethinking things, optimizing things, keeping things in perspective.
I just have to be careful to judge situations in which it may be wisest for me to work through the feeling that what I do isn’t worth doing. Either because other negative feelings affect my judgement, or because the reward is just so abstract or distant from me, sometimes, it’s hard to find the willpower to keep working at it. And often, it’s hard to understand a thing until one just jumps in and starts, in spite of not knowing the whys and hows. It’s a question of which actions most effectively lead me to making the difference I want to make.
It’s a tonne harder than writing it down, that’s for sure. But cool, I learned something today.
I feel like I still have a bit to think through regarding this topic, but I think I’ve had enough of being awake for one day. Thank God, it’s been a pretty great day.