I think it’s time I wrote about certain eras of my past here on the internet. It’s a good time for a few reasons. Reason number one, I don’t have anything else I want to write about. That may mean it’s somehow my calling to write about this. But mostly, I’m just a little embarrassed that I’ve been slacking off with my posts here on my blog, which I said I’d be taking more seriously now.
And second… Idno. The topic is just calling out to me somehow. I describe myself as a person who is open about their fears, failures, embarrassments and all. But it seems there are things in my past that I just haven’t discussed and don’t actively bring up in conversation.
I think that this is the case because I just don’t know how I feel about that particular part of my past. I don’t know what to think of it. All I remember are the things that happened and how I felt while they were happening. But I don’t have much of an opinion on those times in my life, looking back at them now.
And I guess it bothers me that I don’t have an opinion on them. It makes me feel as though… I’ve left those feelings unchecked. It’s as if I’ve been avoiding thinking about those times. Maybe there’s pain there that I’ve chosen to ignore, but I don’t think I should run from those situations if I’ve been hurt. I don’t think I should turn a blind eye to the past, just ‘cuz it’s ugly.
If ever I was hurt in those times of my life, I think I’m still hurting just the same if I run. Then things aren’t settled. Then, there’s still a part of me that has to mind the… unminding of the things I want to ignore.
I feel as though if I don’t settle things- if I don’t decide how I feel about these emotions, now that I’m comfortably past them- I am victim to two things. First of all, I’m not who I say I am; I’m not completely open and comfortable in my own skin like I say I am. And second, I feel as though I’m still carrying the weight of it all, even after all this time.
I think it’s fear. Fear thrives on the unknown. It’s in the dark, behind the closed door, right behind you when you haven’t checked for a while.
I guess I find it pitiful that I would actually be afraid. I had started to believe I wasn’t anymore. I believed that I could look anywhere within me without feeling as though I’d rather ignore what I saw. But that’s just not true.
I guess this self-pity just feels too much like the way I felt back then, often told it was my fault that I wasn’t capable of more. And that bothers me. It bothers me enough to make me scrunch up my face in disgust and anger. And I’m not an emotional person. Or, at least, I haven’t been as of late.
But I don’t want my anger to be impotent. Impotent anger feels as much like defeat as surrender, so I seek neither.
I need to speak truth into the things I’ve experienced in the past. For all the times I was wrong, I need to ask for forgiveness- and enough trust in God to forgive myself and expect that I’ll have the strength not to mess up again. And for the times I was wronged, I’ll need the grace to forgive- and enough trust in God to believe that it was all in his hands, part of the plan- an irreducible and irrevocable part of what made me who I am.
I guess when I kept the dark spots in my memory from myself and kept from thinking about them too much, I also kept the truth from shining down onto it all.
I’m feeling so much lighter now. Double entendre. Seriously, I’m feeling pretty happy right now. Might’ve been the pepperoni sandwiches. Thank God for those, and for this forgiveness and grace thing.
PS. Ha, I didn’t even write more than a single sentence of what happened back then. But that’s not what matters. What matters is the lesson I learned and the awesome peacefulness I got from letting it out, even if only in my mind.
I guess some may still be curious about what exactly I was up to that had me feeling so down. Hint: It’s about competitive Tetris forums, then a little later on, bootleg manga translations. If you’re interested, you’ll have to let me know! Otherwise, I might forget! (Although honestly, I’m at a loss for stuff to write about so luck’s on your side if you wanna hear about these things eventually.)
Now, I’m not usually the kind of person to try to fabricate emotion. When I’m in a song-singing worship environment, I try to keep my wits about me. I’m paying attention to the song, yeah, but I don’t sway when I don’t feel like swaying. What I do is I wait and I listen for whatever I’ve found to be true in the songs I hear the congregation sing. And when I do come across something I know to be true, no fabrication is required. The emotions wash over on their own as a response to those proclaimed truths. Why not try listening to this song in the same way?
Uhuhuhuuu… So beaut. I can’t promise anything regarding a writing schedule but… Hi. I’m still around, no one worry.