I’ve noticed that I don’t really imagine the minds of adults to be all that interesting. It’s a silly thing to imagine because most books I’ve read and have been interested in were written by adults. And yet, I don’t feel much empathy for them. It’s hard for me to imagine them facing the same challenges I do.
I guess… I can’t imagine myself as a functioning, traditional adult. When I say, “It doesn’t seem like me,” I don’t only mean to say that it doesn’t suit my personality, I also mean to say that I can only imagine, by what I know of adults and society so far, that when people grow up, the capacity for personality and introspection seems to disappear. And all I am is personality and introspection. What else could I be?
And thus, it’s a worry of mine. I don’t wanna grow up in such a way that I lose the time to talk to myself, to question myself and my world, and try to glean some answers from what I’ve seen. I don’t wanna stay places where I could run out of new things to see or experience. But I also need to be more than a consumer. I need to be a creator, need to have something to give away. Otherwise, my personality disappears in another way: not by my voluntary surrender of it, but involuntary, buried in the frenzy to survive and live another day.
I wish neither to be too poor in money or too poor in time and wonder. That’s just who I am. Other people bother me because it doesn’t appear to me as if they have a mind above their minds, as if they never think about what they think about, never question their questions, never ask why they’re asking why. And if they don’t have minds above their minds, then they won’t understand the questions I ask, won’t understand the longings I feel, the things I desire.
But who knows? Perhaps I’d enjoy life better if I ignored this part of me. I haven’t given much thought to that yet. It’s a possibility. I like this mind, though. I enjoy it. I enjoy talking to myself, or to an imagined audience. Makes me feel at peace. Makes me feel- ..productive. As if I’m exercising some kind of influence over the world.