This is probably too precious not to write down to remember: I’m getting a part of myself back.
I remember being much more emotional than I’ve been lately. Even though passion itself never drove me to success, I… I still look back at even the pain through a nostalgic haze. Even the moments in my life that sucked, I see as beautiful. Because I felt so intensely and that had become rare for me.
I’m lazy; plain, simple.
I ran my most prized projects into the ground with that laziness. That may have numbed me. I also got so lazy that I wouldn’t even take the time to explore and consume the things I knew I’d enjoy.
A shiftless sluggard puts his fork in the pie, but is too lazy to lift it to his mouth.
I love music the way I love food, literally. I crave sounds the way I craved rosemary for this one week a few months ago… And yet, I’m too lazy to download any music or even organize the music I like into playlists that I can more easily draw from.
I love anime. I love the stories, the variety, the humour, the real conflict that’s present in some of them. But I’ve always been too lazy to sit down every season and see if any are airing that I’d be into.
I love games. But the games that look most interesting to me have barriers of entry: at least an hour of mundanity or public humiliation to slog through before I reach some amazing content.
Furthermore, there are hobbies I could be enjoying that I’m not because I’m too lazy. I could learn to code, learn a new instrument or get better at what I already know. I could be in university right now, uncovering the secrets of who-knows-what. But I didn’t put work into those things.
I’m want to be done with all that, and I think the first step retaking my life is to take back the passion I used to have for… pretty much everything. Lucky for me, the first step has already been taken for me.
For some reason, I am feeling more, hoping more. I don’t quite understand it. Perhaps it’s because I’m talking to some old friends who are very supportive. Perhaps God’s just done it to shatter a perception of mine that I need to take that first step. Geez, I just have no clue.
Tl;dr: Whatever is happening to me, whether by my doing, by coincidence, or by God, something inside me is moving. I think it’ll help me live a better life, in the two ways I define the word. They feed into each other. I will live a bolder, brighter life for the God I represent, who lives through me and in me, and I’ll enjoy it more too, both because of its fruits (the beauty and fun inherent in such a life) and through the joy of being a more capable instrument of the God who holds me.
Although I’m back on this blogging game, I still pray and hope that I don’t fall into the habit of rabbit-hole-ing into my words, overthinking, and trying to figure it all out before I’ve really seen most of what’s going on; before I’m aware of every relevant factor.
Anyway, I think I’ll be writing very… very… I’ll be writing like this is my journal. That’s how I feel I’ll be using this blog for now. Of course, if any more-professional/coherent articles are put in my heart and mind to convey to y’all, I’ll put the same effort into those as I always have. But I warn you now (and I guess this is your reward for having read this far) not all I say is going to be very thought-provoking/widely-relevant. I hope my personality’s grown on y’all enough for you not to mind.
Any-anyway, this is cool, ain’t it? It feels like the start of a new chapter. Man, hyping it up like this gets me sort of nervous about failing. But nah. I have hope. I have faith in a God greater than me and I know He wishes to work through me. I don’t know what I’ll be but I know I’ll be something. So one way or another, I’m not staying where I am. I best get moving, one way or another. It’ll be fun.