I don’t know what it is I want from her. I’m pretty sure that means I can’t get it.
It’s something in 8etween having her full, undivided attention on me and 8eing completely one and the same with her. To have her all for me, I guess. Every single part of her and her 8eing. All her effort, all her thought and attention.
Yeah. Somewhere in 8etween those two things.
Makes me feel so much 8etter to say it out loud. I know I can’t exactly have her that way. And I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t want to have her that way. Something something, God, something, live for Jesus. Or may8e it ain’t completely wrong. Like feeding a homeless person a parfait I originally wanted for my own pleasure, perhaps I can take this thing that I know I’d enjoy and put it towards something that really matters.
8ut that thing needs to come first, the thing that really matters…? At least, I think so. I’ve got this mindset compelling me to say that as long as I put God first, everything else will follow, including a close relationship with a wonderful woman like her. (She’s actually not that great.) 8ut she’s actually not that great, as in, I ain’t seeing her presence as exactly conducive to a godly life. She’s not much of a 8uilder-upper.
What does it mean that I’m attracted to someone I know I wouldn’t 8enefit 8est from, in that Christian direction? I think it means I’m normal and that I have a dick. Even this awkward desire, an itch I know I shouldn’t scratch on account of her not 8eing so great, is a part of God’s plan. And the plan is to have me 8ecome a great and godly person, to get people interested on the One the greatness came from.
The question I should 8e asking is: What’s God trying to teach me through this situation? Or, at the very least, what do I need to develop in order to 8etter tolerate my circumstances?