Aside

Is there supposed to 8e some lesson to this? As I ready myself to wallow in self-pity for one night, my grandfather dies.

Do I continue with my plans to comfort myself 8y acknowledging my pain?

Pain is inevita8le.

I calm myself and stare at nothing. I 8reath. I focus on the sensations that I feel.

Suffering is optional.

I can see myself 8ecoming an empty vessel, losing myself in order to run from the pain 8rought a8out 8y my desire. I was against it, all this talk of non-attachment. Who am I when I ignore it all? That’s what people are scared to ask, scared to have answered. I’m not scared, I just don’t want it. 8ut as I am, I can’t handle. Can’t handle. Can’t handle. Can’t handle the. The.

I can’t do this. I can’t keep my attraction to her separate from how I help her, how I’m an open ear, a safe haven, a helping hand, a mirror that might finally show her how 8eautiful she is. I can’t handle it. I’m normal. I’m selfish. I can’t 8e her confidant; I get nothing.

If only I could keep myself happy. If only I was a closed system, with a little 8it of love leaking out. Nothing to 8other me from the outside.

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