Is there supposed to 8e some lesson to this? As I ready myself to wallow in self-pity for one night, my grandfather dies.
Do I continue with my plans to comfort myself 8y acknowledging my pain?
Pain is inevita8le.
I calm myself and stare at nothing. I 8reath. I focus on the sensations that I feel.
Suffering is optional.
I can see myself 8ecoming an empty vessel, losing myself in order to run from the pain 8rought a8out 8y my desire. I was against it, all this talk of non-attachment. Who am I when I ignore it all? That’s what people are scared to ask, scared to have answered. I’m not scared, I just don’t want it. 8ut as I am, I can’t handle. Can’t handle. Can’t handle. Can’t handle the. The.
I can’t do this. I can’t keep my attraction to her separate from how I help her, how I’m an open ear, a safe haven, a helping hand, a mirror that might finally show her how 8eautiful she is. I can’t handle it. I’m normal. I’m selfish. I can’t 8e her confidant; I get nothing.
If only I could keep myself happy. If only I was a closed system, with a little 8it of love leaking out. Nothing to 8other me from the outside.