Aside

A lot of relationship advice doesn’t apply to me. I’m not even in the Friend Zone. I’m in the Secret Confidant Zone, who has 8een rejected 8y her 8efore, still likes her and wants to keep trying 8ut has to put it away or risk wrecking one of the only places she can 8e honest a8out her life. Goddammit.

8ut I know how to fix this. I just need to disappear for a few months and come 8ack really hot.

Ha, good luck on that. You think you’ll lose weight, working at a diner?

Gawd-fucking-dammit.

Oh, here’s a little hope, though: She’s has already rejected you. Doesn’t that mean you should stop trying?

…No, it means I shouldn’t ask her out again until something is different a8out the equation; namely, me.

Then do that changing first.

Do it for her? I’m told not to.

Well, you stand to enjoy life a little more when you’re more attractive. And 8esides, there’s not a single thing you can do to make yourself more attractive that isn’t good for you too. Working out, getting hot, having confidence/money/a car… Not a single thing.

I hope I don’t gain, like, 40 pounds this summer, working at a diner.

3 months, huh. What do I do for the next 2? School, work, not much else. I could lose a 8it of weight. I wonder what effect the distance would have. I wonder how I might change while I’m gone. I wonder what she’ll think of the contrast, of how I might change in a month.

I wonder if I’m still stuck on her. I wonder what it would take to have her attracted to me. I wonder when/if she’d 8e comforta8le to 8e seen with me that way. She’s not even comforta8le with people knowing that we talk. Of course she wouldn’t 8e comforta8le with that. She doesn’t want anyone to know that she has anything to talk a8out, anything that she feels needs to 8e kept secret.

It’s not a8out me. Nothing’s a8out me. 8ut I want it to 8e a8out me so I can do something a8out it. ‘Cuz I’m still stuck on her. I still think she’s the greatest availa8le person I’ve ever met (8arring friends, etc).

8ut may8e she’s not availa8le. Ever thought of that? May8e it’s time to move on.

To 8e honest, physical attraction came first. 8ut then I found that she’s also quite 8eautiful on the inside.

Gee. There’s just no way to think this through to a secure conclusion that I’m happy with. I’ve heard that thinking is sometimes the enemy, though. To keep thinking what there’s nothing else to go on, nothing to draw any conclusive conclusions a8out, I think it’s harmful. To think when one should just do as they feel, when intelligence gets in the way of necessary intuition, I hear that this is also harmful.

I don’t feel 8ad 8ecause I’m unsure of her. I feel 8ad 8ecause I’m hungry and tired. I should’ve acknowledged this at the start. I’m working on it.

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