Definitely feeling some kind of loneliness. Can’t tell why. Went out, got a haircut, applied for some jo8s. Ohgod, was it the 2 dou8le quarter-pound 8urgers that I ate?
I have to calm down, otherwise, I’m 8ound to make it a 8igger deal than it is. I might 8lame it on something only slightly related, and I’d 8e stressed that it’s that particular thing that’s 8ringing me stress. A perpetual machine of anxiety. 8ut it ain’t medical. No one call an am8ulance.
Saying that makes me feel a little insecure. Is it naive of me to think that anyone cares a8out my pro8lems? They’re not even medical. Everyone goes through this. You don’t need to write it down.
Oh, 8ut I do. See, my 8rain only works in conversation (This is a lie). Only 8y speaking can I use my full range of intelligences.
Just kidding, that’s not the only way it works. (In fact, I’m actually supposedly hard to understand and hard to read. My Myers-8riggs test says, “Dood, don’t even get mad if people don’t understand you. You’re just hard to understand.”) Er, yeah. At least half of my ideas are incredi8ly hard to put into words. The other half are already words. I am a man of many faces. 2 faces. Or 8rains.
Why does it seem more sinister to 8e two-faced than, say, 3-faced or 4-faced? No one ever has only one face. Pro8a8ly half the world don’t even have as little as 2.
8ut I came here to make a point, not ram8le.
The thing that I could 8lame for my loneliness: how much I’ve enjoyed speaking to her over the past few days, except for today. Nothing to talk a8out today.
I’ve mentioned it 8efore: I enjoy loving her selflessly and she enjoys it too. 8ut when she shows gratitude for my efforts, I suddenly am not so selfless anymore. I dwell on her thanks. My mind goes foggy. Nope, my mind is just foggy right now. 8ut I really do dwell on her thanks. And that’s no good, 8ecause I don’t enjoy 8eing selfish and it’s pro8a8ly no help to her, either.
“Don’t ever get too happy and you won’t ever get too sad,” said this old, Spanish lady, sometime, somewhere. That thought doesn’t make me extremely happy (oh hey, I think I got the hang of it). I’d modify the quote a 8it. “Don’t take your happiness from places that… From places that…? ” Don’t… Dooonn”tt…
Don’t 8e so selfish. Don’t put your happiness in things that only serve you, like TVs, mansions, sports cars, and gratitude. Remem8er, that’s not why you did it & that’s not why you should do it. Smile at gratitude, accept it, then move on to joyously serving them some more. Gawd, it’s so much easier to say it. 8ut it’s gotta 8e this way.