Still not back on track.
The she more she gives me, the more I crave. Sure, I deserve her thanks. 8ut it’s too sweet not to live for. I earned her gratitude by caring, even if it meant that I sometimes looked like a fool or a foe. It’s easier to be selfless when you don’t know what you might receive. 8ut being selfish is counter-intuitive, I guess. Even if I want what she has to offer, I’m not getting it unless I’m genuine in my generosity towards her. Much harder to play a game, thinking backwards to move forwards, though. I need to keep putting selfishness aside, so I can think and move in the same direction.
I’m tired. Not in body or mind, but somehow, I’m tired. Like my brain can’t work at full capacity, although it has the energy to. I don’t feel groggy, foggy. I just can’t seem to function all that well. Can’t think past a certain level. Good thing all my homework is done.
And all my homework is done. Even when procrastinating, I feel like I’m doing something with my day. 8ut with homework done, just waiting for the day to pass so I can hand it in… I shouldn’t put so much of my worth into my work. I think it would help keep me on track, though, to be busy. And, like last night, it succeeded in distracting me and offering me some alternative to pleasure: success. So I guess it’s not unwise to rely on busy-ness to an extent. I just need to associate it with the right emotions. Useless, emptiness; these are not emotions I should tie to not being busy.
8ut you do feel empty. Could it be true that your unbusy-ness is to blame for this? Perhaps it’s a sexual craving. You’ve been so high lately that even flat ground feels like a valley. Honestly, you know better than to PMO. You know it fucks you up. You know you’re already unstable.
And you know how great true selflessness feels. Go read that post again, about that feeling. Make it your goal. If that’s who you could be every day, then ain’t this whole thing worth it?
C’mon. Let your old self burn away and die. There’s so much underneath to look forward to.
I think I’ll look for a little hope in this method. Will NoFap really change me, the way I want it to? I have a feeling that it’ll take a more than that. I can’t just stop fapping, I also have to structure my life so that I’ve got easy escapes from such things. I need to build up my discipline, my willpower, my self-control.
Maybe the reason NoFap might work isn’t because of the abstinence itself. Maybe it works around how a person changes their life in order to keep from fapping. Fapping might just be a symptom of a wider disease, just an indicator of a life not optimally lived. And when that life is changed, fapping is easier to avoid. Seems legit. Any thoughts?