Day 4 Pt. 1 A New Hope


Oh, the ways I’d love you!

Anyone would expect me to keep writing in song after an announcement like that. 8ut no, I ain’t got dat kind of flow. At least, not this morning. I could if I tried, 8ut I’d 8e a little too em8arrassed to tell the world how I’d love her. (This girl I like, not the world. Although I will love the world, eventually.)

This love isn’t desire. This love is the joy of giving a gift. There’s no jealousy. There’s nothing to lose. I’ve finally gotten to the point where my attraction to her is far enough to the side that I can focus on other things.

Ask and you will receive: I asked for this joyful sort of gift-giving love. I asked for this… opportunity for reckless a8andon, having nothing to lose in loving her, therefore, coming to the ta8le with none of my own needs; coming to the ta8le with only her needs in mind. I 8et it’s what she wanted too, from me. From anyone.

That’s what this loss (for some reason or another) of attraction has done for me.

I’m not gonna 8e silly and assume that this was a miracle. 8ut if God created the world, knowing that this would 8e the result of his fine-tuned 8ang, then it logically follows that I can 8lame Him for this. And I did, for a few minutes. (God, why doesn’t my jacket smell like her? She was laying on it for a good hour…)

This morning, I was seeking to satisfy them seckital desires. 8ut I was mostly unwilling. Or, at least, I was swept up 8y a different Love and I didn’t look 8ack.

My point is: I’ve lost a 8it of li8ido. I’ve heard it’s normal in the first week or so of getting to re8oot to have a fluctuating li8ido. (I’m gonna start paying attention, I swear). It might not 8e 8y my own effort that attraction has 8een pushed aside (in favor of joyful, gift-love), 8ut still, I see how having it out of the way, through any method, helps me to love her (or anyone, really) differently, in a way that I think is more attractive, more healthy, more satisfying, less stressful for 8oth parties, etc.

A note on Gift-Love, now that I’ve mentioned the proper term for it (as coined 8y C. S. Lewis in his 8ook, The Four Loves). Gift-Love, as opposed to Need-Love, is love that expects nothing 8ack. Lewis’ example was “…the love that moves a man to work and plan and save for the future well-8eing of his family which he will die without sharing or seeing…” 8ut in this day and age, it’s common for parents to 8e dependent on their kids (emotionally, mentally, socially) so I wouldn’t use that example. Jesticular Crackers, though; anyone could 8e emotionally dependent on gift-giving. Dammit. You’re all just gonna have to trust that the man didn’t do it to satisfy any personal need for validation, although he may have felt o8ligated to his family. Tricky stuff. Let me try once more.

May8e it would 8e 8etter to explain what Need-Love is first. Need-Love is when you ask a girl to 8e your steady 8ecause you are completely head-over-heels a8out the shape and size of her _____. Need-Love is when you work to help her everyday 8ecause you need emotional validation through her gratitude. Need-Love is when you come 8ack to her over and over again 8ecause you think you need her.

Gift-Love is when you don’t need any of this. It is when you give to her and love her and don’t even expect a single thing 8ack. ‘Course, ’tis easy to make the mistake of 8eing “selfless” for her when really, even in ignoring your own needs, you’re still hoping to get in her pants. That’s not Gift-Love, and I’d argue that ignoring your own needs isn’t a part of Gift-Love either. Don’t ever ignore your needs; just don’t give to her for the purpose of satisfying those needs.

This is pro8a8ly why I hear the strongest relationships happen 8etween very independent people: They’re 8oth capa8le of satisfying their own needs, so they’re a8le to “Give lovingly, not out of necessity” 24/7. Gift-Love, 24/7. It ain’t just a 8oon to the person receiving the love, it’s also another level of satisfaction for the person giving the love. You don’t need to watch yourself when your Gift-Loving, 8ecause you’re left waiting for no validation. You’re already alright. You don’t need a single thing.

My li8ido, for some reason or another, not surprisingly, 8ecause this is NoFap, after all, seems to have, unjarringly, though momentarily disappointingly, disappeared. This has allowed me a peek into what Gift-Love is like. It’s like peeking into the women’s 8ath, except what you see are your dreams come true. (For me, a cozy diner near the sea). I know that things aren’t always gonna 8e as easy as today; today is the outlier. 8ut today (just this morning so far, actually) has shown me what there is to hope for. I’ve seen the light at the end of the tunnel.



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