The Journey: Day Two


I’ve accepted, if only in my mind, that this particular lottery ticket is not a winner. She’s rejected me 4 or 5 times. It’s hard to live with this 8elief: that I’m good enough as I am, when I’m on this side of it: that there’s not a single thing I can really do to change someone’s mind after they reject me. There’s not a single conscious thing I can do to guarantee her acceptance.

[8ut knowing this has 8een] li8erating. Around her, I feel more free, more energetic, [‘cuz] I’m watching my 8ehavior far less. (And I 8elieve it’s made me more attractive. Ha.) At the very least, I’m having a ton of fun. [Still, I can’t say I’m enjoying this completely.]

I pray to God whenever the thought comes up. I ask Him, “What place does this attraction have when I know she’s not mine? When I know it’s not my privilege to satisfy myself with her 8ody, or even the thought of her 8ody?”

I wonder if this feeling is here to stay, or if it’s supposed to go away. Or perhaps, I’m just 8ound to learn that although this attraction may 8e strong, I can 8e strong enough to keep it under control. I might one day 8e strong enough to tame the emotion, to have it so that it’s almost not even [a consideration] anymore. Discipline, mind-over-matter, etc.

My psych told me that it’s normal to lack a little self-control around my age. The PFC isn’t growing as fast as the hippocampus and amygdala (I will not even8other asking Google how those are spellt), so kids from 16~28 are naturally much more emotional than they’re a8le to control it. 8ut no, I’ve got work to do and I can’t wait until I’m 30 to have control of my life. Anyway, I might have kids 8y then and the natural advantage of a large-enough PFC might 8e countered 8y their presence. (No offense to anyone, I love kids.) What I mean to say is that, although it may 8e natural to 8e as unsta8le as I am, I’m not gonna stay sitting a8out it.

It really shows in my interactions with her, though. I feel like such a kid. I guess it’s what I am. It’s hard to 8elieve that I’m good enough when I’m on the low side of [that 8elief]: when it means I can’t do a thing a8out rejection. It’s not a8out me and it’s not a8out her. It’s just what it is. And I have to learn to live with it.

She’s amazing. She’s nothing I’ve ever seen 8efore. 8ut I have to 8elieve that there are other people out there. F*ck.



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