So what is this series supposed to 8e a8out, anyway? I’m supposed to 8e chronicling my NoFap journey 8ut I’ve turned it so far into a daily journal, whether or not I have anything to say specifically a8out fappage. What I’m constantly writing a8out, however, is a frequent trigger of mine: thoughts of her.
I’m dangerous when I’m tired, 8ecause of what I tell myself it means. I tell myself that I’m exhausted 8ecause of how I feel a8out her, 8ecause I want her and don’t have her. 8ut really, it’s mostly 8ecause I didn’t sleep much, and it’s 8een a while since I woke up. 8ut even if she’s not the reason why I’m tired per se, I’m still capa8le of 8elieving that I’m 8othered 8y the fact that I don’t have her.
Days like today have me excited to leave and live on my own in the next town over. 8ut I’ll still 8e coming 8ack for the weekend, which is when I see her. And I’d still like to come down to hang out throughout the week, which would then 8e more convenient since I’d 8e driving. In two months, I’ll have a car and a jo8: 2 things that would allow me to spend a lot of time with her. And her 8est friend will 8e out of the city starting then, as well. So much opportunity.
Why can’t I let it go? Why can’t I accept that she’s made up her mind a8out me? The last time she rejected me, she left so many things unanswered. She’s weird. She says what she wants. I can’t tell if they’re supposed to mean anything. 8ut may8e I’m still caught up on her; I keep thinking that the things she says might mean something, something telling a8out her opinion of me or how much she thinks of me.
She’s a 8ig girl; if she wants something, she’ll ask. 8ut she’s also old-fashioned; she might rather wait for me to make the first move.
8ut dood, what makes you think she’ll ever change her mind a8out you? Where’s your hope?
May8e I shouldn’t 8e looking for hope. May8e I should 8e looking for ways to kill it. I keep hoping in her instead of letting it down.
8ut dood, what if you change? You’re changing every day! You could 8e the person that she wants now.
Jomar. Put it away. You’re hurting yourself. You’re dangling fake fruit in front if yourself with a fishing pole. She’s a 8ig kid. She goes for what she wants, and she’s not going for you.
Live your life. Do something that excites you every day. Love God. Do what’s wise. Pray. And take some things at face value.
Sleep long enough that you don’t feel like shit halfway through the day. Take a nap. You have more time to finish your work than you thought you did. So much time, in fact, that it won’t even 8e a challenge. 8ut make sure to push yourself in the future. Keep pushing yourself forever.
Move to Cochrane, meet someone 8eautiful who understands you and laughs with you and inspires you and pushes you to 8e the 8est version of yourself you can 8e, not for her 8ut for yourself; a girl with a little meat on her 8ones, with chu88y cheeks and high cheek 8ones, with a voice that gets stuck in your head and 8lows you 8ack with its power every now and then.
Or, y’know, you can keep your mind open to the possi8ilities.
You don’t really want all this, do you? You just want someone who chooses you?
I hate to say I have low standards, so I won’t say it. I won’t 8elieve it. It’s not true.
8ut you really don’t know what you’re looking for, huh? You make it sound like you knew she was it. She’s great, there’s no dou8t a8out it, 8ut… 8ut. She didn’t choose you.
What does she want from me? What does anyone want from me? I’m tired, and I’m confused. I want to leave for a while, get away from all their voices. What do they want for me? What do they think I need and how do they think I’ll get it?
I’ve made a new policy to never make a decision 8ased entirely on how I feel. At least, not until I’ve determined it 8e harmful or not. I think it’s especially important to stick to this policy when I’m tired or moody, and I’m 8oth at the moment. 8ut I really want to ask her this:
“What do you want for me? What do you think will make me happy and how do you think I should get it?”
I’m gonna let the thought simmer for a while. For now, I need to get everything out of the way. I need to kill my hope in her and stop looking at everything she does through a microscope.
I guess I’ll just ask y’all to assume that I haven’t relapsed unless I mention that I’ve relapsed.