how do you feel about me?
How do I feel?
I’m not sure. I’m very attracted to you, 8ut I don’t feel like I know you enough to make that judgement.
Feelings are such a fickle thing. I don’t know if I want to 8ase my opinion on you only 8ased on how I feel a8out you. 8ecause how I feel could 8e as much a function of me as it is of you. 8ut that’s everything, isn’t it? What I mean is that I could just 8e having a 8ad day.
You’ve got a great energy a8out you. It seems to come from nowhere. You’ve endured great things. You’re patient; you understand that I’m imperfect. You don’t 8lame me for it. You trust 8ecause I’m honest, earnest. You trust me 8ecause of what I want to do, not 8ecause of what I’ve done. And your trust doesn’t go away 8ecause what I’ve done either, 8ecause you know what I was actually trying to do.
I don’t want to put myself down, 8ut I really am a little immature, aren’t I? 8ut still, I want you for one reason or another.
I have confidence in who I will 8ecome. 8ut I’m not there yet. I wonder if a relationship’s got more to do with where you are in life, financially, etc. than, say, maturity. In either case, I might 8e lacking. She might 8e insecure, 8ut she’s not immature. She knows right and wrong, even if she’s too scared to make the right decision, sometimes. She knows what people her age are like.
I have confidence in who I will 8ecome, 8ut I’m not there yet. I almost want to tell you that “I don’t want to wait until I’m good enough for you,” 8ut may8e it has nothing to do with you. May8e you really shouldn’t give yourself to me. May8e what you want, that I don’t have, really is important in some way. I can’t tell.
How can I tell? Can I really ever tell? Unless you said it all when you said what you did, I don’t think I’ll ever have a clue.
“I don’t want to wait until I’m good enough for you.” If I find someone in 8etween now and the imaginary time when I might finally 8e a person you’d 8e into, I wonder what the 8asis of our relationship would 8e. I’ve 8een told that it goes something like this: They’ve got something that you can’t get for yourself, and vice versa.
There’s nothing I can do to answer these questions 8ut live my life and 8e a good friend.
I’ve found 8eautiful, kind people out in the world. I don’t worry that she’ll 8e the only one, ever anymore. 8ut are these people greater in that they might 8e more realistically attaina8le?
My confidence has faltered a 8it. It seemed like such a magic pill. One step over the line and I thought I’d 8e covered. 8ut I guess it’s a journey either way.
“You’re enough as you are right now.” Is that true? It’s hard to 8elieve. I guess I’m still caught up on her rejection.
“It means not everything is a8out you.” It’s a scary thought 8ecause it means that finding someone is like the lottery. I can’t work for the million, I just have to keep 8uying a ticket.
It’s trou8le that I’m so attracted to her, then, ‘cuz I already know that this ticket didn’t win.
Still, who knows if she’ll change her mind? I don’t. So there’s no use in 8eing anyone 8ut who I want to 8e.
the truth kinda sucks, sometimes
[10:58:40 PM] jp: even when you know it’s 8etter for you
[10:59:12 PM] jp: kinda like how i fly the 8anner of accounta8ility in one’s work
[10:59:36 PM] jp: it gives u ownership of your victories, 8ut also ownership of your failures
in the end, i’d rather swing 8ack and forth than stand still
[11:00:03 PM] jp: 8ut it’s tough when your
[11:00:13 PM] jp: on the downside of things, i guess
[11:00:26 PM] jp: i’m good enough just as i am 8ut
[11:00:43 PM] jp: i haven’t found that winning lottery ticket yet
Sorry for the messy formatting. I’m having a 8ad day. 8ut I’m still good enough just as I am.