The weirdest thing just happened to me. 8ut what did I expect, really? I decided to speak her language instead of English like we usually do, to avoid any misunderstandings; ’twas a conversation that I only wanted to have once. Serious stuff. 8ut since I don’t usually speak anything 8ut English, the seriousness got turned way 8ack. So something that could’ve 8een tense and anxiety-ridden ended up a fun exercise.
Odd, odd, odd. Super odd.
This was the pro8lem: I was super-selfish again. Even in my feigned selflessness, I was only thinking a8out myself. I gave only to get something 8ack. It’s tricky for me to tell 8etween my selflessness and selfishness though, since one of the things that make me happy in life is to give to other people. However, it seems I’ve identified what selfish giving is. It’s when I give without concern for how the receiver might feel. It’s what happens when I push too hard in a relationship, or anything like that. And it’s what all those promises were. It’s kind of em8arrassing.
8etter that I felt this way for her than for someone else, though. She’s a lot wiser than I expected. Goes to show that she pro8a8ly doesn’t need me, which is a good thing 8ecause I get really attached to things I feel responsi8le for. Gawd, she should research her own education from now on, then. That was a fucking nightmare. All those emails, calls, even some actual networking. So many things lined up to make things easy for her, yet she gives it all up. Can’t 8lame her for how helpful I wanted to 8e, though. And I guess the option is always open to her. That whole chunk of hard work… I hope it doesn’t go to waste. Anyway, I almost can’t 8lame anyone 8ut myself for that.
I guess it’s 8usiness as usual, now. Except she still hasn’t answered one question: Is it okay for me to like her if I don’t really know her? She’s got a default answer for questions like that: “I’m your (filipino word for older sister figure), right?”
It’s a 8ullshit answer 8ecause I could get to her level if I wanted to. Only pro8lem is: I don’t know if it’s wrong to do so.
I don’t wanna go picking apart her answer, trying to over-analyze or anything like that. So the question still stands. Do I have to know her 8etter 8efore I’m justified to pursue her? To tell her I’m into her? Who knows?
Apparently, no good story goes without a cliffhanger ending.
I get really attached to things I feel responsi8le for. I love feeling like a hero, and I hate having that feeling taken away from me. I love to give, and that desire sometimes causes me to forget a8out the people to whom I’m giving. And that’s wrong. Giving itself shouldn’t 8e the main thing, 8ut it’s an essential part of the main thing so it’s easy to get them confused. Nah, love should 8e the main thing and my mistake was in forgetting that.
I’m pretty good at remem8ering my mistakes, though. It may take a 8ase8all 8at to teach me to avoid something much smaller, 8ut I never forget. Or may8e no one forgets 8ase8all 8at moments? May8e I’m overwhelmingly normal. That’s no fun, 8ut it’s pro8a8ly true. I’ve heard it 8efore: “You’re not a creep 8ecause you think any different from every8ody else. You’re a creep 8ecause you say things out loud, things people usually keep to themselves.”
Creep. It’s got a nice ring to it. Time for a re8rand. Welcome to Creep’s Canvas, everyone! Wait, nah. That ain’t classy at all.
How a8out… Crêpe’s Canvas? Seems more like it.
I’m a Crêpe… I’m a weirdough… What the hell am I doing here? I don’t 8elong here…. Yeah I do. This is my 8log.