My eyes are bloodshot. I better write down what I wanted to say to her before I lose my mind.
This is what I wrote on the bus and train on the way to my volunteering shift this morning. This is what I wanted to tell you face-to-face, the way we never talk. This is different. This is clarity. This is an explanation for everything I’ve ever felt for you, and everything I do for you every day.
In my notebook, reads:
I saw it in the way you walked. I saw it in the expression you wore before anyone knew you. Saw it when you’d get attached to the tiniest thing you had control over. I thought you were someone like me, someone who wasn’t satisfied with simply living. Someone who wanted more.
8ut then you met them and what I saw in you was suddenly gone. Suddenly, you were satisfied.
I wonder if this is what happens when you settle for too long. You stop searching and you learn to settle,
8ut things aren’t how they used to be. There’s opportunity in this place. You won’t grow hungry. You don’t need to be satisfied.
I’m helping you because I want you to know [that you don’t need to be satisfied]. You don’t need to give up. I don’t want you give up.
Please don’t give up. Please don’t be satisfied. I don’t want to be alone.
I fell in love with who I thought you were. [With who I wished you were.] I always do. I wonder if I’m right.
End of what was to be found in my notebook.
Except for one more thing: I wonder if I’m making something out of nothing.
“I’m hurt that avoiding awkwardness is more important to you than talking to me face-to-face about something that’s important to me. If avoiding awkwardness is important to you, I can’t tell you that you’re wrong. I understand why avoiding awkwardness might be important to you, but I know that if I trust you with a situation like that again, I’ll just be hurt. It’s not your fault. It’s my fault because I want more from you than you seem to want to give me. If I asked you if you wanted me to keep trying to get to know you, you’d probably say yes just to be polite. So if you want me to get to know you, you have to tell me yourself. And don’t lie, because it’ll be hard for me to give you a second chance if you lie to me now. [8ut did you even know that what I wanted to say was important to me? Would it have made a difference?]
“This is what I wanted to tell you today: I thought you and I were similar. I thought that you were bored with life like me, and that you wanted to do more with your life than work a boring job during the day and watch TV at night. I probably judged you wrong; I do it all the time. 8ut because I thought you were like me, I thought you’d understand me and that we’d get along. 8ut I was wrong. I realized that today. Let me explain:
“I was hurt 3 years ago, and it was my fault. I was depressed, I never went to school, and I didn’t know what I wanted in life. I didn’t see my friends at school often, so I drifted from them. 8efore I met you, it was 3 years since I last had feelings for a girl. 8ut then family camp happened. You probably didn’t mean to make me fall for you. You were just being you. You were just being friendly. I tried to hold my feelings back because I knew you probably weren’t interested in me that way, but it just happened.
“I paid attention to your hopes, dreams, and goals in life because I thought you’d be happier if you didn’t give up on them. 8ut that’s not the only reason. The other reason is this: I didn’t want you to give up because following a dream is hard work, and I didn’t want to be alone. I don’t want to give up on my dreams, but I also don’t want to be alone. I wanted to find someone to suffer with. I’m sorry for choosing you.
“I liked you because I imagined that you were someone that you might not be.
“I don’t see any reason to like you that way anymore. I don’t hate you, but I’m not sure if I should be trying to get to know you right now. I’m too desperate to find someone like me, who understands me. Maybe that’s not who you are, but that’s who I want you to be, so it will be hard for me to see you as you are.
“I’m sorry for imagining that you would be the one to complete me. None of this is your fault. You can forget all about me. You don’t deserve all the trouble I’m giving you.”
8ut why would I send this? To get her to know me, understand me? Isn’t that what I shouldn’t rely on her to do?
Why does she need to know you? Why does she need to understand you? Why do you care?
8ecause you want her to be someone she just might not be.