Warmer World

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What’s odd is that I seem to be up in my mind so much, living in a world of words, that it seems like another world entirely when I can connect my surroundings with memories of the people I’ve been there with.

I can tell this is going to be challenging to explain. I’ll be specific. On the way to my psych appointments, I stand on a certain street, at a bus stop near the intersection of that certain street and on of the main commercial streets of the downtown. When I’m alone at that bus stop, it doesn’t seem like it’s entirely real. Just like my room doesn’t feel like it’s entirely real. When I’m alone, I don’t feel like my world is entirely, legitimately real. And I’m very comfortable and acquainted with this feeling of unreal-ness. I haven’t always noticed this unreal-ness, though. It’s only when I experienced something new that I came to realize that there was any other way to feel than how I usually do. The experience went like so:

Prior to one of my appointments, I had hung out at a shisha bar down the street from my bus stop with a few friends of mine. Later in the night, we decided to head over to a pub on that commercial street I described and on the way there, we passed by a few memorable restaurants on the side of the street opposite of my bus stop.

A few days later, I was waiting for my bus as usual and naturally, I was gazing across the road as I waited. Normal day; normal, comfortable mental isolation. But then I noticed those memorable restaurants that I had recently walked past with my friends, and it was as if the temperature of the air around me rose by a few dozen degrees (Celsius. It was about -15C at the time).

It was as if my experience of the world had been vindicated, validated. I lived not only in my own mind but in others’ minds. And I knew this because they lived in mine. They lived in my world, in my memories of the places I’ve been. I could imagine myself not alone. And it’s not like I’ve ever been lonely. It just felt like I’ve been living like a ghost all along. And it’s not like that’s ever bothered me. But now I feel like a ghost that certain people can see, because I see people like me. And the world is becoming realer because it’s being populated by people that I can see without having to look down. People that talk to me, people I talk to.

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