I’m looking for the freedom of solitude without the loneliness, to be completely myself around someone else. 8ut I find myself striving to grow up in order to look good to this person. Does that mean I’m changing just to get her? Yes and no, and neither is a bad thing.
No, I’m not changing per se; I see my response to her as part of me. I do what want to do, and I do it the way I want to.
And yes, I’m changing for her but it ain’t a bad thing. I’m changing in ways that do more than make me look good in her eyes. I’m doing things that benefit me, things that I should do for myself but don’t for lack of perspective (which she’s also given me.) And it’s not entirely for her, either. She’s more like a catalyst. I know that she might not like me even after this, but if the hope is there and it pushes me along to establishing a good life for myself and others, I might as well use it to my advantage.
Maybe what I want, and what would benefit me more, isn’t the freedom of solitude without the loneliness. Maybe who I should look for is a person that accepts and understands me but challenges me to grow. More than letting me be myself, a person who’d push me and help me be the best I can be, and would allow me to return the favour.