Sleep Deprivation Ramble #1, Pt. 2: The Afternap


I said I’d elaborate on my “dream girl” once I got some sleep but I guess that’s not happening. The elaboration part, not the sleep part. I did sleep, for 14 hours or so, even. And now I’m hungry. I should grab an apple.

I’ve decided that my emotions and some level of my thoughts are uncontrollable. 8ut what I can control are my actions and my behavior. I can take action to control my mood, my volatility, and to avoid situations which are more likely to stimulate emotion in me, but I can’t do much else. I can’t tell myself to stop being jealous, but I can ignore those feelings when they come up if I decide that it’s not acceptable for me to act upon them. The feeling itself, though, is acceptable as long as it’s based on reality. Or I can keep myself from situations in which I’m likely to feel jealous. It’s not wrong to run away. I was about to say, “It’s not weak to run away.” It is, but guess what: it doesn’t matter. When has it ever actually mattered to prove that one is not weak? Sure, strength means survival. 8ut running away also has you survive. A person can always run; people can’t always be strong.

My emotions have been semi-bearable. I say “semi” because I haven’t been hanging around any lion’s dens lately, or been thrown into any furnaces. I haven’t yet been tested; I haven’t been in the same kind of situation as the one that set me off last week and convinced me that I had to change how I live. I’m not sure if it’s appropriate to get into a situation like that yet. I haven’t yet tried everything I could try. I don’t want to give myself credit for what I’ve already done; I don’t want to get over-confident and mess up again. I can see how being under-confident could ruin things as well, but I’ve yet to be challenged by a decision in which that could be a problem, AKA, I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

In any case, I’ll try the last thing on my list and work on turning everything I’ve tried into habit. After that, I might still feel less than up to the task of controlling my emotions. 8ut I’ve already decided to worry about that later. I can’t let worry paralyze me. I can’t assume that I’ll fail, ‘cuz then I’d never try. And what if it just so happens that this is it? What if this is right and this is the last thing I have to do before this specific problem goes away?

PS. Interesting how I don’t immediately publish these things. I leave to do something else then come back and see this open in some random tab. Then I publish it. It happened with my last post too: I went to sleep and published it when I woke up, and that timing might/ve confuse/d people.



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