This is from last Sunday, it’s why I went on last week’s adventure. I might feel the same way today. I haven’t been set off, but in this state, I believe it’s definitely possible. Time to binge watch something stupid in Netflix, throw a thousand knives, eat a whole pizza. Maybe not the pizza. But I do what I want:
It physically feels tiring. I have an urge to break something, like snap a piece of wood or something. I am slightly angry. It’s like an extreme, grating boredom. I call it feeling empty. My stresses and desires are exacerbated. Things that I percieve will satisfy me always seem out of reach. I see myself as very needy. It seems that this feeling only comes when something comes to mind that seems really great, like another friend laughing with the girl I like. I feel that this is a feeling that I ignore most of the time. I don’t know if it signifies a problem that I continually ignore or if the feelings itself is the problem and being able to ignore it is the solution. I don’t know if I’m different. I don’t know if I’m alone. If everyone feels this way, then I feel silly talking about it. But that’s wrong. If it hurts, then I should speak up, whether or not everyone goes through it.
Or maybe depression keeps me healthy, keeps me from vegetating. Seems like exercise and a good diet is all it takes to get away from it. And it may not have been jealousy that triggered it. It was probably those twinkies, and that ice cream. I let my emotions get away and turn my actions into something unexplainable.
They say depression is a prolonged stress reaction; fight or flight without an off switch. Fighting seemed more appealing, so I stuck 5 knives in a row into my wood-and-cardboard target in the basement. It’s a new record and unfortunately, it’s as high as it’ll go; those were all of my knives.
…But I still felt the way I did. I was honest with her, but that wasn’t me at my best. Still, it was a part of me that came out. I still feel that way about her, even though I can usually control it and it usually doesn’t bother me. “I could go for a run,” I could say. But it follows me, doesn’t it. I crave her attention. “Your emotions aren’t all of you.” But they’re a part of me. I don’t want to ignore it, I know I can’t run forever. But I guess I can fight it back. Until I find a way to kill it.
Depression is a state of stress, a state of constant fear, because, like the fight-or-flight response that birthed it is named, if I can’t kill this danger now, I have to fight it or run from it. It might all be about taking action, even if it doesn’t solve things in the long run.
I understand why everyone chose to ignore last month’s events now. Life is hard. Emotions are hard. If you can’t kill it, you have to run from it or fight it back. People don’t always have the stamina to wait for an opening, the problem’s weak spot.
(Goddamn, we all need to work out more often.)
That’s right, and that’s hopeful. It’s all about waiting and having faith that either are prayers will be answered or that we’ll be fine when God says no. But it’s all about that endurance. Depression might be a lack of that endurance.