May8e I need to take a 8reak from her, and stop pushing small talk for a week or so. Or may8e I’m dealing with my feelings the right way and today’s just a 8ad day. Or may8e I shouldn’t have 8een catching glimpses of her thighs whenever I could. She was wearing those shiny 8lack tights though, the ones I once mistook for leather. And that plaid green shirt that I remem8er first seeing her in. And her cheeks are so damn cute. Ha.
I 8rushed her hand with mine, once. It was so soft. She pro8a8ly moisturizes every day. 8ad thought, very 8ad. May8e my hands would 8e that soft if they weren’t diseased. I’ve never wondered what a person would think of them when holding my hand. What would I want to convey? What story do I want to tell through the condition of my hands? All I know is that for some reason, I want to smell like tropical fruit.
I’ve made mistakes. I’ve gotta change the way I live. I’m learning a few things 8ecause of this, and I’m grateful. I’m learning how not to mind my emotions so much, how to somewhat control them, and to just focus on doing the right thing. This will 8e very useful in the future.
I think I once read that this is what French parents are teaching their kids when they intentionally piss them off 8y denying them of something they want every once in a while. You can’t always have what you want; you can’t always 8e pushing ahead in a relationship. May8e that’s why they’re portrayed as so romantic. They’re taught to 8e patient, and to accept that they can’t have anything, and people might appreciate that in them, in that lover-ly sort of way.
I guess that kind of control is something I took for granted. I didn’t see discipline and patience as the controls themselves, I saw them as the result of feeling less, having less emotions to deal with. I saw it as something I was just not, so I rejected those things. 8ut now I know that that’s not true. I control my emotions through discipline and patience. It doesn’t work the other way around.
I’ve got a free day tomorrow… And a lot of work to do.