Life doesn’t get put on hold when you leave. Everyone keeps moving along, which is pro8a8ly why my fantasies of leaving this place and coming 8ack a man to sweep her off her feet aren’t very realistic. It’s comforting in a way I’ve never felt 8efore, though, that she’ll 8e there for me even after she rejects me. It’s like a weird Oedipus-complex spin-off where I end up falling in love with someone that’s supposed to 8e an older-sister-figure in my life. That figure though. The D is a strong thing. May8e Oe-D-pus would’ve kept moving along with his mother even if he’d known who she really was. At least, if he found out after he first met her.
8ut fuck the way things should 8e. If she doesn’t reject me for who I am, then I don’t accept her rejection.
…Honestly though, the “way things should 8e” is a reflection of what people are concerned a8out. I can have my way and she can have her’s. She can tell me how she thinks things should 8e, 8ut I’ll only 8e thinking of how they are and what she’s really worried a8out. 8ecause no one is really worried a8out the traditions and social norms that we’re taught. Nah, these things only serve to address our real insecurities. What I’ll do is provide an alternative. I’ll 8e the exception to the rule, and I’ll do this 8y understanding the real rules underneath all other things.
So it’s actually a good thing that she’s decided to reject me and explain why. Now I know her 8etter, I know what she’s worried a8out in a relationship (particularly, considering one with me), and I know what I can do to make her feel more comforta8le around me.
That anger was really terri8le. It told the truth, 8ut not the rest of the story. It didn’t consider shame, and pain, and exhaustion. It’s true that tradition and “how things should 8e” aren’t always true, 8ut anger ignored how hard it is to face what’s true sometimes. It’s much easier to take shortcuts.
No one fights the system and wins. Instead, what changes things is a new a perspective, an alternative, a 8etter way of doing things.
And now I wait.