Revenge of the feels

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Wrraaaaargh. I’m jealous. Talk to me too.

How does one go about getting familiar with a girl while dead broke? With so many distractions? When the feeling only becomes unbearable, unignorable when someone else has got what I want?

And if it’s wrong to feel the way I do, what am I supposed to do about that? I’m angry. Why does it have to be this way? Why can’t it be easy?

I can’t say that I like her without first getting to know her. But I really want to be closer to her.

I don’t think that this sort of attraction is wrong in itself. It’s just really bothering me. But I see a way forward. I just have to get to know her better. If it turns out that I’m not so into her once I know her, then the pain goes away, I guess.

But if I get to know her and I still feel this way… Either way, things probably won’t happen as cleanly as I hope. This sucks, I don’t like feeling this way and I don’t see a way out.

I don’t blame anyone for how I feel. In situations like this, is it better to suffer alone? Should I ask her for advice? Or would it just make her feel awkward?  I don’t want to ask anyone else. No one seems to know a damn thing.

What’s my policy when it comes to these things? “Emotions aren’t evil”? I don’t think that’s the one that applies here. I think I’ve found it.

“Consider how things are, not how people say they should be.” I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel, but I know how I do feel. Should I tell her? She could help. She might appreciate it. I’d certainly be being honest. And isn’t that another one of my policies? To be honest? And if it bothers her when I’m honest, then she doesn’t like me, and I don’t like people who don’t like me.

Now I have something to tell her that I care to say, and I like that. I like being nervous about things like this. But I can’t stand the feeling of wanting something, having it so close, and not knowing if that feeling will ever be satisfied.

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