At the moment, I’m still scared of falling down the rabbit hole. I know that the world underneath me, in which I’m always creating and always making connections between things that have never been connected before, is amazing and fun. But I’m afraid of staying down there for too long, and I think I feel this way because I’m scared that I won’t commit to the creation enough to save it when things get rough, when it doesn’t give me that good feeling I’m always looking for. It might stagnate and it more I establish it in my brain, the more painful I believe it will be if I ever abandon it. It might be in the back of my mind, always telling me that I should’ve committed myself to its completion.
But is this true? Would I be more productive if I didn’t place so much weight on finishing something? The world’s told me to do so a hundred times, but I think that, at this point, it’s just slowing me down. Maybe my problem right now is not to finish but to learn to keep going. And an obligation to take things to their end might be hampering me in that endeavor.
It’s hard to go against what people tell me to do. Acceptance is something I’m naturally inclined to live for. But who knows me better than myself? (If I’m paying attention.)
Life’s a paradox, isn’t it? I want to finish the race. This makes makes me ashamed of failure, and the fear of it keeps me from taking the next step. But how do I really feel when I’ve given up, when I’ve abandoned a story that I once loved, and, especially, when people stop telling me how to feel about having done so?
I feel great. I feel like I’ve learned from my mistakes. I feel that it was a stepping stone to greater things. I see the difference between myself when I was there and who I am now, and see that I was sort of blind to what really mattered. As such, I didn’t really bond to those characters and that world as much as I have to the ones I make now. Whoever I am is better than who I used to be, so my stories will be better and I will appreciate my characters now more than the ones I made before. I’ll never be lonely.
Or maybe I will be. Either way, if I find out, it means that I didn’t stop running. And it is satisfying to run.