I wonder what I’m so afraid of. I avoid arguments like a plague. I don’t know why. I know, I know, I know that I can challenge at least half of the questions that most people are capable of asking. But I guess I’m still afraid that I’ll lose a part of what I believe. And, in a round-a-bout way, I’ll lose a part of myself. More specifically, I’d lose my sense of worth. If I lost what I believed in, I’m not sure how much I’d value myself. Haha.
And it’s kind of ironic that I really think this way. (I just realized it, really.) I used to believe that people who put their worth in other things, things other than what I put my worth in, were in a more dangerous situation in terms of their worldviews suddenly becoming unstable. But I now realize that (perhaps) everyone is that fragile. We all put our worth in a certain something and if it goes away, “What now?”
What I don’t understand is how I can feel so fragile when the logic surrounding my beliefs seems so sound. The feeling keeps me from challenging others. But in the moments that I decide to fight or fly, I don’t feel fragile. Instead, I feel tired, reluctant to take the initiative. And I think that may be why I’m occasionally insecure about these things. I don’t get out much, I don’t have a lot of experience, I haven’t given my beliefs the time to prove to me that they’re worth believing in.
So I guess the plan is to get out. Not a bad plan. I don’t know how many posts I’ve ended with, “So I guess the plan is to get out.”