Sometimes, I find myself in the mood to express a lot of higher emotion. Thing is, the words I choose don’t seem like they match how I feel. So I end up giving up on writing the things down. Otherwise, all I think I’d come up with is this:
And while that might sound all pretty and cool, what you take from it is probably not what I want to give out.
I want to convey a very specific feeling. Like looking at a sunrise…. after a long night, knowing it’ll be a long day. But sunrises in my life aren’t that profound. They don’t last very long, either. And it’s been a while since I’ve been tired. I kind of want to be tired.
I want to be exhausted, like I’ve done something… Something grand. I want to be covered in dust and sweat. I want there to be a certain kind of… Hopelessness: that things are probably not going to turn around but we’re tired enough to die anyway, so we might as well commit to it.
I could almost call my life right now a sunrise. ‘Cept the sun is taking a while to come up. I don’t know what it really takes to move forward and everything is so muddled. Nothing’s really all that clear.
And I try to think of a clever analogy, saying sunrises aren’t that clear but the sun shines in the end anyway. But it doesn’t seem like it will. It feels like it’s been a long night. I’m tired, but not in a way I like. It’s not fulfilling. I’m tired of not doing anything. I don’t think I want this twilight to last so long. Dusk*. No, wait. Dawn*.
I don’t want the sun rising on this tired body of mine. I don’t want to be clean by the end of the night. I want to be exhausted, disgustingly messy. I want to do so much that I can’t do anymore. I want to lose hope in doing more than what I’ve already done, just from the sheer amount of it. Then I can rest.
(Goddamn, I’m a melodramatic mofo.)