So uh… I dropped the proverbial ball this week. I kinda skipped 3 days of school, accidentally. Right when I was about to catch up to a class too. Now I’m behind in all of them and might get kicked out of one next week. Thing is, I’m not that nervous.
Usually, I’d be realy nervous. I’d be able to feel it in my chest, etc. But this time… it feels like old news. Maybe I’m starting to learn a little in the way of not stressing about what I can’t change. Anyway, how far would running from nervousness take me? If I only went to school to keep away from stress, and to keep others from disappointment, how far would I go?
This is a funny argument to support because one of the reasons that most influenced me to go to class were to keep away from trouble. Even though I probably only seek to rationalize my mistakes through this argument, it makes a lot of sense. What schools teach from a very elementary level is fear of discipline. This is a realistic and relevant fear in our world but it doesn’t seem like it would be of much use when people stop caring about what other people do to them.
For example, it seems I’ve stopped caring about the reasonable threats that my teachers and principals are making. If their only weapons against my tardiness are those threats of expulsion or failure, I’m bound to stop going to school, which is a bad thing.
Is it a good thing that their attacks no longer do damage to the enemy we’re both trying to defeat, the enemy that I’m semi-attached to? Well, I guess so. I don’t really feel like this is a good answer, but it doesn’t seem like that kind of fear can keep me safe for long anyway. I need to find my own solution, one that I can take with me wherever I go.
Why do people want to guide me? One day, they’ll be gone, and though I might’ve been going the right way under their guidance, I’ll be lost right after. I don’t think it’s enough that they want me to stop skipping school. I think that I also need to do enough to get it done.
But where are the things I need to do?
“Walls can contain you, but they can’t point you in the right direction.”