State of the Author, 28th of February

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A little something I wrote in class yesterday:

It’s hard to say that I’m busy since I never am busy. But lately, it’s what I’ve been. I can still find time though. For example, I’m writing this in class while I’m supposed to be filling out some worksheet. So I guess I do have time to write.

I haven’t written for myself like this in while. I’m really only doing this because I have nothing else to do. This worksheet is getting in the way of more important things. But I’ve learned that I can’t fight brick walls. It’s impossible to get past this no matter how much I struggle. (Of course, not really impossible.) So instead, I’ll just relax and pass the time.

Thus, I write. It’s not exactly entertaining; I’m not thinking through anything exciting and coming to wild, interesting conclusions. I’m just writing to pass the time.

Idno how long it’s been since I last posted. A day’s boredom brought me back and now… I’m back. I… got a job.

I recently realized that I’m good at a certain thing. I acted surprised and I was a little surprised but I guess I shouldn’t have been because I’ve been doing it my whole life and I’ve always been pretty good. I’ve always been afraid of becoming too proud of myself, though. So I tell myself I’m not that good, or that I’m better at other things and I should focus on them. In this way, I forget that I actually am objectively talented. It takes other people to remind me. But I guess that mindset, saying “I’m afraid of getting too cocky” isn’t very humble in itself. It implies that I believe, somewhere deep inside, that I have things to be greatly proud of. So I might be a little concieted.

Either way though, ignoring that I’m good at some things has kept me from… well, from knowing myself better. Now that someone’s told me, I see opportunity in so many places. There are so many more things for me to try, knowing that it’ll be interesting to me and that I’ll have some early success. And it kinda sucks, knowing that there are so many more things for me to try.

I’m still not too sure what I’m interested in and I was about to say that it’s a blessing and a curse to have so many doors open to me now. But I was running out of things to try and the things I settled on earlier didn’t seem like 100% excitement to me.

Man, my mind is going in a lot of directions right now. I think I mentioned that my life’s lately been boring, but I guess it’s not the only thing I can write about.

This has happened to me a lot lately; I settle on a nice, simple outline for my immediate future and happily ask for others’ advice. But all they do is repeat the things I’ve already acknowledged to be challenges, and they say nothing new. It messes up my mind. It perplexes my plan. And I’m left with fog where I used to see clearly. “This is where you might go wrong” they say. “I already know that” I say. So much emphasis is put on what can go wrong that I forget why I need to be correct.

Asking for advice has had me looking at the road instead of where I’m going, lately. And that’s no fun.

But maybe advice like that helps other people. Just not me. I’d like to end on a positive note and chew bubble gum.

But I’m all out of positive notes. And bubbles gum. I’ll pick some of both up later.

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